Friday, September 17, 2010

Ok, so this has been a long time coming!

Well I said I would write this when I had some time to myself to not have Taylor hovering, well nows the time. Taylor is safely in bed asleep and I am up all alone, not sure for how much longer, but I am up. So, this igoing to be my real thought provoking post. Not sure why I feel the need to write this, but I do. Lets call it morbid curiosity ok?
Well here goes:
Well, before Taylor my last serious relationship was my "highschool sweetheart" well that relationship lasted for 6 years and could've led to marriage and who knows what else, but things ended sourly when I went blind. He felt that he could treat me like dirt because I could no longer see and run away from the problems as easily. Well I dealt with this for almost a year before I found my exit, blind rehab. I found my courage and had a good network of friends who helped me get through it and helped me move on. The couple of months between this ending and before the start of Taylor and I as a couple was not a time in my life I was real proud of, I did somee things that I would never had done in a normal state of mind, but I felt that I had something to prove to myself and in a way I proved it. I proved that even though I couldn't see didn't change the way I looked to people or the way my ppersonality waremd people. I just went about it the wrong way, the waaayyy wrong way. Tank God for Taylor or who knows where I would be today. But my curiosity comes from the fact of one what would be different if I hadn't gone blind? Where would I be today? Would I have married him like I had planned or would he have proposed at all since I wasn't blind? Ok, and lets go back to the fact that can't be changed, I went blind, if not for my eexperiences in Austin with the blind rehab program would I have stayed in this destructive relationship in hopes it would get better, or would I be in PA with mom and dad alone and wondering what I will do with my life? Things that I ponder from time to time. I also get curious as to how he is doing with his life...I say this but I know its true, but in a way I want to know but I know in my core if I knew he was happy with someone else it would kill me. I am completely over this in every way possible. I am completely and utterly in love with Taylor and not much is going to change that, but it still gives me that pang of pain and jealously because I think no one would have been better to him than me. I can put up with a lot of shit to see something through if I want to. I am just that hard headed, and it can sometimes be a curse and a blessing. I know I should not feel these things, or wonder about these things..its just not healthy...but can't a girl wonder? Then there are times, I think about that last encounter we had together..I was seriously in the wrong.This was part of the time I was not proud of myself or what I was doing. I went into town requested to see him, even though I knew he was dating someone, he came and got me against my mom's better judgement. We went out to dinner which I offered to pay for half of, but he refused..I thought something had changed. We went back to his aprtment he was sharing with some of our old mutual friends which I really wanted to see. I talked to them for a bit, and then we went to his room and started to talk and everyone left us in the apartment by ourselves and well one thing led to another and well yeah...I really considering at this point giving him his umpteenth chance to make things right, then I went back to Austin and back to my "man toys" and he promised me the moon and stars and didn't follow up again, and I fell back into my little vendetta to prove to myself and the world I was worth something to someone. I was at one point "with" 2 guys at one time with one of them 29 when I was 19...not a healthy relationship at all..we met once a weekend to have dinner and well yeah do what 19 year olds While during the week I was seeing and doing what 19 year olds do with a 26 or 27 year old guy that was a friend and I was just there when he needed a friend when he had problems with his girlfriend and yeah he left her and I was just there.Keep in mind during this torrid affair, I was like numb, neither of them really mattered to me on a serious level...they were just part of my climb to prove my worth. Yet I still wonder about them from time to time wonder if I had let them matter to me instead of walling myself up what could have came of it all if I could have committed myself to just one of them. But I didn't and Taylor and I got to know each other better because at first we hated each other, I didn't like his attitude and he didn't like the way I was living life. Going out everynight getting drunk or finding somewhere to do it. Living life numb and keeping myself very well protected from anyone who might want to care for me. But some for reason that I will never know that hate turned into tolerance, and that tolerance turned into like and we started hanging out alot. Then that like turned into a friendship, and well that friendship turned into what we have today. I never have had trouble expressing my feelings about someone, but when I wanted to tell Taylor "I love you" the words just could not come out. I couldn't make myself say them. He thought I was really messed up, because I am sure I sounded pretty stupid trying to say this. I attribute this to my months of protecting myself and hiding deep in myself and not allowing myself to feel like this and now I had no control it just happened. I was also afraid of being hurt, I didn't want to say it and him to say ok, that is nice I don't feel the same way. If he had say that I have no idea where I would be today. But he said he loved me too. Neither of us were sure how strong it was, but we got the true test, when he moved back to his parents for a bit while he was waiting to move in with a friend of his close to his parents which was 2 or 3 hours from Austin. I was all about coming to see him every weekend paying my bus ffare there and back just to see him. He was unsure of this and said we would have to play it weekend by weekend, well after that first weekend, I said well let me know when I can come back and yeah well..he shcoked me when he said "You aren't coming back next weekend?" I knew then that this thing was much stronger than either one of us reckoned it would be. Taylor makes me much more happy then anyone else I have ever been with in every possible way. Physical, emotional, name it, I am very happy. Sure we have our ups and downs but yeah its still tons better now than it has ever been, but I find myself thinking these morbid curious thoughts when I am having a down. When it just feels like life is hitting me head on. I think I think of these things because I wonder if things would have been easier for me in a different life path. I sometimes wish I could look into a parallel universe and see myself in these different life paths and see what would have happened to me. Am I alone in this thought path? This my deep thoughts that I never have talked to anyone else before about, but I feel that I can trust my blogger family with these screts and they won't go any farther. I have been feeling I need to share these things with someone somewhere but didn't know who without someone judging me for my past or thinking I am ungrateful for what I have or just flat out crazy.
But I am sorry, this doesn't seem to be the great masterpiece I imagined, but I do feel better and a bit skitish because I don't want Taylor catching me at this. So, I'll end it here.
Please feel free to tell me I am crazy or something.

My fave songs for this posting:
Eminem Ft. Rihanna Love the Way You Lie
Gary allan See if I Care
Gary Allan Learning how to Bend
Gary Allan Loving you against my will
Gary Allan Smoke Rings in the Dark

Deep Thoughts and Crazy Ramblings brought to you by
Amanda Ellen and Leah as my only witness.


  1. Holy crap, we are so similar it's scary. The being with men, the doing things with them, the putting up with shit, the wondering, the thoughts, the what ifs. Been there, still do that, the thoughts at least.

    I often wonder about my ex before B. The only other man I've ever loved. What would it be like if we hadn't broken up? How would he have handled the blindness, as well as B did? I answer myself pretty easily because he wouldn't have been able to take care of me the way B does. There are many things great about him, but one thing, he never had a/c in his car. Sounds petty, but I have MS. What would have happened if we had been together and I needed rides to the docs and the heat made the MS worse?

    I think we'll always ponder the what ifs. I have to remember to be where my feet are, which are right here, in this moment.

    You're not crazy. :)

  2. Alright RO, this is just too frickin weird.I wish Arizona and Texas could be a little closer! Yeah, I think I'll take your advice and remember that I am in the here and now and shouldn't worry what could've been and just accept what is. But glad to know I am not crazy lol.

  3. Well I don't know how much my opinions will weigh because I haven't experienced anything like that. Most I have done is party underage and uh hang out with a guy I wouldn't bring home to mom... I do think those or normal feelings to have though. I have them about my relationship with Darrell sometimes... more so when I'm angry of course but sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were single and not already engaged... I've told him before that I never planned on meeting my future husband at 19... It might be selfish but I thought I had more time to have fun you know.. Not that Darrell isn't fun - you know what I mean lol. Is that terrible?

  4. No I don't think thats terrible. But I got my "having fun" out in a few months..and don't have any real urge to go through that again. Just wonder sometimes how things would have panned out if I had done things differently. I think everyone has those thoughts..well at least some women lol. I couldn't tell you about the man side of it :) I met Taylor when I was 19, and we are as good as married :) Just no legal bindings. I don't know..just think it might be cool to have a machine to see a parallel universe in which you made choices and see how things worked out, just to know I made the right

  5. Hey Amanda,
    I think everybody has those thoughts. I do about my boyfriend and me sometimes... shhh don't tell him! lol I think its natural to wonder what could have been and I agree with everybody else.. your not crazy! (or if you are we all are too so that makes u less crazy... lol)

  6. Oh, Thanks Jen...I am very comforted to think I am not alone :)


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