Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Paying it forward!

Ok, so I am "paying it forward" Some nice person in my lit class payed for my ticket for me to go see the local group of drama people put on the show "Dracula" with the rest of my class. So in honor of that since that person won't accept me paying them back, I am helping another person. This person is a good friend of mine, she is older than me but she is a really awesome lady. She is getting custody of her grandson due to some issues with the mom which is her daughter. Well I think its awesome she is taking him, but she and her husband don't make a whole lot of money to start with, and they never had any boys. So, I am rounding up people to help her out getting some boy stuff gathered up for the kiddo. I have heard him on the phone before and he sounds like a real sweet kid, and I would love to help my friend anyway I can. So, I called other friends who have kids and know people who have kids and we are slowly gathering up some toys for him. One of the Dean's at school is helping out my friend by donating an old bedroom suite her little boy thats cool. Oh, my friend works at the school so its nothing weird. I wanted to get him some clothes since his mom didn't have a lot of money to buy him clothes and he is currently sharing some clothes with his sister, but his size is yet to be known yet. So, I plan on going to goodwill once he arrives and we know what size we need and buying him a few suits of clothes. Plus, this is what really has me excited, as long as I have been living on my own I have never had a trick or treater, but this year I will!! So, since the little boy, well he isn't too little he is 7, will be coming to trick or treat me and he will be the only one I am going to make him up something special! I am really excited! I love making other people happy, it makes me happy! So, I just wanted to encourage all of you if you can pay it forward and hope the person you help pays it forward and. This way lots of people get help and we all feel good!

So excited, what should I get for a 7 year old boy in his awesome trick or treat suprise?

Amanda Ellen

Friday, September 17, 2010

Ok, so this has been a long time coming!

Well I said I would write this when I had some time to myself to not have Taylor hovering, well nows the time. Taylor is safely in bed asleep and I am up all alone, not sure for how much longer, but I am up. So, this igoing to be my real thought provoking post. Not sure why I feel the need to write this, but I do. Lets call it morbid curiosity ok?
Well here goes:
Well, before Taylor my last serious relationship was my "highschool sweetheart" well that relationship lasted for 6 years and could've led to marriage and who knows what else, but things ended sourly when I went blind. He felt that he could treat me like dirt because I could no longer see and run away from the problems as easily. Well I dealt with this for almost a year before I found my exit, blind rehab. I found my courage and had a good network of friends who helped me get through it and helped me move on. The couple of months between this ending and before the start of Taylor and I as a couple was not a time in my life I was real proud of, I did somee things that I would never had done in a normal state of mind, but I felt that I had something to prove to myself and in a way I proved it. I proved that even though I couldn't see didn't change the way I looked to people or the way my ppersonality waremd people. I just went about it the wrong way, the waaayyy wrong way. Tank God for Taylor or who knows where I would be today. But my curiosity comes from the fact of one what would be different if I hadn't gone blind? Where would I be today? Would I have married him like I had planned or would he have proposed at all since I wasn't blind? Ok, and lets go back to the fact that can't be changed, I went blind, if not for my eexperiences in Austin with the blind rehab program would I have stayed in this destructive relationship in hopes it would get better, or would I be in PA with mom and dad alone and wondering what I will do with my life? Things that I ponder from time to time. I also get curious as to how he is doing with his life...I say this but I know its true, but in a way I want to know but I know in my core if I knew he was happy with someone else it would kill me. I am completely over this in every way possible. I am completely and utterly in love with Taylor and not much is going to change that, but it still gives me that pang of pain and jealously because I think no one would have been better to him than me. I can put up with a lot of shit to see something through if I want to. I am just that hard headed, and it can sometimes be a curse and a blessing. I know I should not feel these things, or wonder about these things..its just not healthy...but can't a girl wonder? Then there are times, I think about that last encounter we had together..I was seriously in the wrong.This was part of the time I was not proud of myself or what I was doing. I went into town requested to see him, even though I knew he was dating someone, he came and got me against my mom's better judgement. We went out to dinner which I offered to pay for half of, but he refused..I thought something had changed. We went back to his aprtment he was sharing with some of our old mutual friends which I really wanted to see. I talked to them for a bit, and then we went to his room and started to talk and everyone left us in the apartment by ourselves and well one thing led to another and well yeah...I really considering at this point giving him his umpteenth chance to make things right, then I went back to Austin and back to my "man toys" and he promised me the moon and stars and didn't follow up again, and I fell back into my little vendetta to prove to myself and the world I was worth something to someone. I was at one point "with" 2 guys at one time with one of them 29 when I was 19...not a healthy relationship at all..we met once a weekend to have dinner and well yeah do what 19 year olds While during the week I was seeing and doing what 19 year olds do with a 26 or 27 year old guy that was a friend and I was just there when he needed a friend when he had problems with his girlfriend and yeah he left her and I was just there.Keep in mind during this torrid affair, I was like numb, neither of them really mattered to me on a serious level...they were just part of my climb to prove my worth. Yet I still wonder about them from time to time wonder if I had let them matter to me instead of walling myself up what could have came of it all if I could have committed myself to just one of them. But I didn't and Taylor and I got to know each other better because at first we hated each other, I didn't like his attitude and he didn't like the way I was living life. Going out everynight getting drunk or finding somewhere to do it. Living life numb and keeping myself very well protected from anyone who might want to care for me. But some for reason that I will never know that hate turned into tolerance, and that tolerance turned into like and we started hanging out alot. Then that like turned into a friendship, and well that friendship turned into what we have today. I never have had trouble expressing my feelings about someone, but when I wanted to tell Taylor "I love you" the words just could not come out. I couldn't make myself say them. He thought I was really messed up, because I am sure I sounded pretty stupid trying to say this. I attribute this to my months of protecting myself and hiding deep in myself and not allowing myself to feel like this and now I had no control it just happened. I was also afraid of being hurt, I didn't want to say it and him to say ok, that is nice I don't feel the same way. If he had say that I have no idea where I would be today. But he said he loved me too. Neither of us were sure how strong it was, but we got the true test, when he moved back to his parents for a bit while he was waiting to move in with a friend of his close to his parents which was 2 or 3 hours from Austin. I was all about coming to see him every weekend paying my bus ffare there and back just to see him. He was unsure of this and said we would have to play it weekend by weekend, well after that first weekend, I said well let me know when I can come back and yeah well..he shcoked me when he said "You aren't coming back next weekend?" I knew then that this thing was much stronger than either one of us reckoned it would be. Taylor makes me much more happy then anyone else I have ever been with in every possible way. Physical, emotional, name it, I am very happy. Sure we have our ups and downs but yeah its still tons better now than it has ever been, but I find myself thinking these morbid curious thoughts when I am having a down. When it just feels like life is hitting me head on. I think I think of these things because I wonder if things would have been easier for me in a different life path. I sometimes wish I could look into a parallel universe and see myself in these different life paths and see what would have happened to me. Am I alone in this thought path? This my deep thoughts that I never have talked to anyone else before about, but I feel that I can trust my blogger family with these screts and they won't go any farther. I have been feeling I need to share these things with someone somewhere but didn't know who without someone judging me for my past or thinking I am ungrateful for what I have or just flat out crazy.
But I am sorry, this doesn't seem to be the great masterpiece I imagined, but I do feel better and a bit skitish because I don't want Taylor catching me at this. So, I'll end it here.
Please feel free to tell me I am crazy or something.

My fave songs for this posting:
Eminem Ft. Rihanna Love the Way You Lie
Gary allan See if I Care
Gary Allan Learning how to Bend
Gary Allan Loving you against my will
Gary Allan Smoke Rings in the Dark

Deep Thoughts and Crazy Ramblings brought to you by
Amanda Ellen and Leah as my only witness.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Ok, just a little something here

This is not what I want to write, but I can't write it right now. I need time to write it with no Taylor trying to be nosey and see whats coming out of my brain. This post will be a post that makes you think or at least makes me think and its something I've been thinking about just out of morbid curiosity. But I don't think it will come this week since this week is "Taylor's Birthday Week" so yeah he is demanding attention and not wanting to leave me to myself for any decent amount of time. I would go the headphone route but I really don't want to hear that one, not right now. So, I wanted to give you guys a heads up on whats to come when I have the time. I will give you a school update, I found out today that the first 4 quizzes for my business law class will have a curve, not that I need it, so that will be awesome. So that will do something for my 2 80s, an 85, and a 95...wonder what my grade will look like then :)
I am really excited about this weekend since Friday is Taylor's birthday and his mom's birthday is Sunday because I hope they both really like their presents that I got them. Taylor's mom present just came in the mail today. I am now just waiting for my book I ordered from Amazon to show and I will be a happy camper. I ordered this book for my vampire class that is about this Countess from the 1500s or 1600s who well liked blood. She killed pretty young girls to bathe in their blood because she thought it helped keep her young. There is also rumors that she drank some of the blood to keep her inner beauty. So yeah its really about how she got to that point and the downfall from all that and her imprisonment in her own rooms and how she died. Really looking forward to it, I was told by the lit professor that iI am like him, I need a whole team of thereapists and not sure even then they could truly find what makes me so disturbed and twisted lol. So, yeah I'll take my first major exam for Biology next week and trying to get ahead for my trip to see my parents the first week of october, I miss them lots. So, yeah thats about it. Leah has been a doll except for her wal mart trip monday, but she really hates Wal-Mart and it takes alot to keep her focused in their. I tell myself next time I am not giving her a chance to act right I am just going to slap the head collar on before we go in, but then I always go soft in my resolve and think she might act right this next time and end up giving lots of corrections the whole time we are there. *sighs* I love my girl, but I think GDB matched us up too well sometimes, she is just as hardheaded as I am, and I never realized how bad I could be lol.

Well thats it for now, I hope to write my thought provoking post soon,

Amanda Ellen and Leah My little Princess

Thursday, September 2, 2010

A big bunch of nothingness

Well, not much I really feel I need to get out there, but I am so bored that I thought I would give you guys a nothingness post. :) So, yeah lets see. School has been going good. I am successfully filling my role as an average college student. Making mostly "B"s on my quizzes and stuff. Archery, now thats going well. I have a goal to destroy this stupid door bell by the end of the semester. Oh, the door bell you ask? The door bell is the ghetto accomadations the school provided to me for Archery. I can't really use it by myself because for one I am not by myself, and for 2 the door bell reverberates in sound so its really hard to tell exactly where the sound originates from. So, the teach told me he would give me an "A" for the semester if I could destroy it by the end of the semester by shooting it. Come close Wednesday got 3 inches to the left of it. So close! I can't go to the ADA counselor because she is out all week, so I'll tell her next week it won't work and continue on my path of destruction. :) It def makes Archery that much more fun. Business Law, I need to email that teacher because the court cases she refers to in our notes don't match to what she is saying in the book. So yeah, thats a bit frustrating. Yesterday was a real bad day for meI got a migraine right as I was getting to school, I should've stayed home I felt it coming before I left but I thought I could tough it out and really didn't want to miss school. Well, yeah I should've stayed home, once the migraine was gone, I was like a walking zombie. I really had pretty much no spoons. I was in a fog or a haze and couldn't do much of anything. This sidewalk I take regulary and have done so for the last 3 years looked like it split in 3 different directions yesterday. My vision whats left was all screwed up. I couldn't even help my friend with some college algebra my brain was so fryed. I felt useless yesterday. Is it bad if I don't like to write in my blog while Taylor is in the room lol? I feel like I am writing in my diary and he is invading my privacy lol. But yeah he is not paying attention right now he is playing with a new app on his IPhone. I am half way listening to the Cowboys game on the TV. Just paying enough attention to see when someone scores. I am really ready for bed, I shouldn't be I slept for 11 hours last night, but I am just really bored, border line feeling depressed. Not sure why I am, I have no real reason to feel this way. I am really busting my butt in school because I want to take a week off the first week in October so I can go see my parents. Its been since May since I seen them last and they will be in Texas then. After this I won't see them again till New Year's. I am ahead in Biology right now, but I just need to have my tutor finish my notes for the last chapter and a half I need for the first major text. Business Law, well yeah...not sure there. Archery I don't think will be a problem or Wellness and Fitness. My oreintation class still isn't moving because the prof can't get blackboard to like what she is posting for us to download. Thank God that tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow I think I'll work on my Biology paper in tutoring. Its a research paper over Giant Pandas, it should be fun if I can ever get my energy to return. Well, the Cowboys are winning 16-10 and I think its still 3rd quarter, or it maybe 4th not real sure. I heard about the new nanos coming out yesterday. Not sure if I like it or not. But I still think I want one. I like the old ones with the video camera, but I think I like the fact that the new ones will be running IOS. Well the Cowboys lost their lead here in the 4th its now 17-16. Yeah, not long now before I will be going to bed. Wonder if I am getting sick, my whole body is starting to hurt. Ah, who knows I'll worry about it when that gets here if it gets here.
Well, I guess thats all I will bored with you tonight.
Hope you had fun with my whole lot of nothingness!

AAmanda Ellen and Leah