Monday, May 30, 2011

A paintbrush, a trip to Vegas, and some other mumblings...

just random thoughts and stuff here this time.
May 23rd marked the 5th year I've been blind and for some reason some days "broken." I did not handle my 5th anniversary well, I cryed, talked to my mom, and asked her the usual question, "Why did this have to happen to me?" Her response, "Because God found the strongest person with the most to gain from this and that was you. He knew you would/could handle it and laid out a different plan than you had planned for yourself." I'm not one to say I'm strong or like some super person because I coped with my plight quickly and quietly. I don't think I deserve that much credit, all I did was realize this was for real, and it wasn't going away and I was stuck this way. I also realized I had 2 choices, I could just deal and figure shit out, or I could wallow in my own self pity and everyone else's and probably end up offing myself. I'm not kidding. So, I chose option 1, because I wasn't quite to the point of wanting to die, sure I thought my life was over and had no clue how I was supposed to move on from this, but nnot sure how I did it. Ever since this "anniversary" I've been a little down, and for what I don't know, life has been pretty great given the circumstances. I mean sure I still have those days I just want to scream and cry because something would be so much easier if I could see, but who doesn't? I've also noticed my self esteem issues are resurfacing, I had horrible self esteem issues right after losing my sight, and I've worked on those for the most part and gotten better. This last week or so, its been tough...I just feel insecure and like everyone is running from me, granted if I look at this objectively its probably me pushing them away. I also am having this complex that "normal" people, and I use that term lightly, wouldn't even talk to me if it wasn't for the fact that they feel sorry for me. I'm just having an issue "flaunting what I got" as far as my disability goes because I fear people's pity. I said it I fear pity, it scares the shit out of me. No clue why this is, but it scares me...everytime I spot someone pitying me, I try to turn it into a joke and play it off like they didn't mean it because it frightens me. Pathetic right? Probably. Maybe I've lost that self esteem because I'm just not as independant as I used to be, or maybe I have just gotten a little paranoid. This is not to say that my blind friends on twitter and such are any less likely to "feel sorry for me" and give me a "mercy friendship" but its for different reasons. If those statements were to be true, it would be because I always feel so clumsy around people, over the internet or in person. I never truely feel comfortable around anyone but my mom and Taylor. There used to be this poem I loved from the Chicken Noodle Soup for the Teenage Soul books, and it was called "Paintbrush," maybe I should see if I can find it. I always felt the person who wrote it was living my life or something, that's how much I related to it.
"Paint Brush

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do--that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes.
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paintbrush with me
Until I love me, too.

Bettie B. Youngs"
There it is, I just think that poem speaks volumes about me, my life, and my world. I'm not trying to be depressing and it seems it is going that way. Lets turn this blog post around shall we?
So, all my shows on TV are over until September..this sucks. I've been watching old TV shows on netflix for now. I am currently into Ghost Whisperer, and loving it. I've made it to season 2, and tonight Netflix had problems so that's why I'm writing this. I bought a CJ Wilson "Throw Strikes" bracelet tonight, the proceeds go to CJ Wilson's Childrens he is a Rangers pitcher and I love Rangers stuff :) Also, Vegas is coming up soon, it was just creeping up on me, but now its full on charging at me lol. I haven't gotten anything ready..the suitcase is out and the wedding clothes are packed..nothing else pass that has made its way to the suitcase. I need to get on that soon, but glad that Taylor's mom is going to come help my scatter brained self make sure I've gotten everything together that we should need. Well, seems I'm running out of stuff and its late and I'm sleepy.
So please, take the majority of this posting with a grain of salt. Think of it as me whining somewhere other than Twitter and Facebook, I just am starting to feel a wee bit better by getting this out in words.
Thanks for reading if you have made it this far,
Amanda Ellen