Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The word of the day is....

Well, the word of the day is unwanted. I am so frustrated. Sometimes I just wonder if its so bad that I have days that I just want to get out and run away...I not going into the details about everything because I am sure no one really wants to know all that. I just want him to want me more than he wants hiself if that makes sense. I hope it does because I am no in the mood for explaining. He makes me feel very unwanted, very stupid, stupid sometimes, but there are times that he makes me feel wonderful, the luckiest girl ever, like no one could ever love me as much as he does, and makes me feel like all in the world is right. I am just not sure what to think or what to do. I want to talk about it, but he won't listen or care. If he does listen he will just tell me I am being stupid and its my fault. Well I don't see him coming up with anything to make it any better or less boring...but its my fault. WTF? But really...times like these makes me wish I could see, so I could just hop in my car and go for a drive to clear my I used to be able to do. Those drives always made me feel better...nothing but me, the road, my car, and the radio. I could cry or get pissed off and not have to worry about who was watching or listening. I could drive myself far enough away for enough time to make myself feel better, since no one else wants to help in that matter. So, really this my major upset with being blind. Its times like these I wish I could see and I get all depressed. I just guess I need to get stuff off my chest and no one wants to listen so I am just going to write it out and who ever wants to listen can, and if you don't well then don't. He just makes me feel like nothing I do can be good enough sometimes...but once again...I don't see him coming up with something new...So it can't be all my fault...Sometimes the backyard is just not enough space for me...sometimes I just would like to be able to take a walk or once again take a drive...this the most frustrating part. The other is him, and then the other is no one to listen to make me feel better. I know I am repeating myself and I am sorry for that...Its just that I am just frustrated and pissed off and lets not forget hurt. I feel so imperfect...well worse than that. I feel like damaged damaged that all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Amanda back together again. I can't cry, because I am so pissed off...and I know that crying would prob make me feel a bit better...Why can't life be like a book...You meet prince charming, fall in love, have 2.5 kids, and a dog and live happily ever after? Or is that just my life that can't be like a fairy tale? It seems there alot of people that are very happy all the time with their husbands and boyfriends...but guess thats not in the cards for me. Another word for the day is worthless, it just came to mind. I feel unwanted and worthless. Like I hold no value to anyone or anything. I really wonder how healthy this is for a persons self esteem...I really do. Not that there was much there to start with....So much to say, so much I won't say and why? Because he won't care. He only sometimes cares when I throw a fit, cry and bawl, and say I don't understand why we are both still here if I make him so unhappy. Then he might actually care. Then he might actually listen. Only then. I have a million and one things I should be doing right now, but who wants to do anything whenyou have no feeling of self worth...whats it going to matter if I do these anyone really goin to care or will they be like eeverything else I do and go unnoticed. That is the story of my life, going unnoticed...unless someone wants someone they can emotionally or physically beat up on. I am just too soft.
But I guess I am done with this for now...I don't have anything else to say and its not helping any...

Thanks for the time,


  1. I am in tears right now. You have just written everything I am feeling right now. Like, to a T. And you had no idea that when you sat down to write, that someone was going to read who needed to know she wasn't alone. I wish we lived in the same down so we could go scream at trains. I totally know what you mean about not being to hop in the car. I used to blast music and drive recklessly, not that that was a good idea, but it always managed to help. I so know how you feel, man I wish we could go have coffee or eat ice cream or just cry together. You have my email, right? Feel free to write and verbal vomit as much as you need.

  2. Aww, Thanks RO...I am so glad that some understands what I was going through. Even having Leah, doesn't help the getting out when its not safe to walk because of the lack of sidealks and the fact that people can't drive worth a flip around here. I so wish Arizona and Texas were a bit closer, it would be really awesome to hang out with you!!

  3. Aww I am sorry to read this. I hope you do feel better and if he doesn't care about you or makes you feel horrible then he isn't worth keeping around. You will find someone else better and you will be so happy once you do that. But first you need to let him go!
    I wish we could hang out and go for walks together and chat and eat sweets! :)
    You take care. I feel like this sometimes as well. But it isn't good for anyone's self asteme or health for that matter.
    You are awesome and you keep on doing what you need to do, if no one likes it, well then throw them to the side because you don't need that!
    Feel free to email me anytkime. I am always here to talk or help you out if possible. I would give you my number but not pubicly like this.
    Remember to hug your pup.


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