A paintbrush, a trip to Vegas, and some other mumblings...

just random thoughts and stuff here this time.
May 23rd marked the 5th year I've been blind and for some reason some days "broken." I did not handle my 5th anniversary well, I cryed, talked to my mom, and asked her the usual question, "Why did this have to happen to me?" Her response, "Because God found the strongest person with the most to gain from this and that was you. He knew you would/could handle it and laid out a different plan than you had planned for yourself." I'm not one to say I'm strong or like some super person because I coped with my plight quickly and quietly. I don't think I deserve that much credit, all I did was realize this was for real, and it wasn't going away and I was stuck this way. I also realized I had 2 choices, I could just deal and figure shit out, or I could wallow in my own self pity and everyone else's and probably end up offing myself. I'm not kidding. So, I chose option 1, because I wasn't quite to the point of wanting to die, sure I thought my life was over and had no clue how I was supposed to move on from this, but nnot sure how I did it. Ever since this "anniversary" I've been a little down, and for what I don't know, life has been pretty great given the circumstances. I mean sure I still have those days I just want to scream and cry because something would be so much easier if I could see, but who doesn't? I've also noticed my self esteem issues are resurfacing, I had horrible self esteem issues right after losing my sight, and I've worked on those for the most part and gotten better. This last week or so, its been tough...I just feel insecure and like everyone is running from me, granted if I look at this objectively its probably me pushing them away. I also am having this complex that "normal" people, and I use that term lightly, wouldn't even talk to me if it wasn't for the fact that they feel sorry for me. I'm just having an issue "flaunting what I got" as far as my disability goes because I fear people's pity. I said it I fear pity, it scares the shit out of me. No clue why this is, but it scares me...everytime I spot someone pitying me, I try to turn it into a joke and play it off like they didn't mean it because it frightens me. Pathetic right? Probably. Maybe I've lost that self esteem because I'm just not as independant as I used to be, or maybe I have just gotten a little paranoid. This is not to say that my blind friends on twitter and such are any less likely to "feel sorry for me" and give me a "mercy friendship" but its for different reasons. If those statements were to be true, it would be because I always feel so clumsy around people, over the internet or in person. I never truely feel comfortable around anyone but my mom and Taylor. There used to be this poem I loved from the Chicken Noodle Soup for the Teenage Soul books, and it was called "Paintbrush," maybe I should see if I can find it. I always felt the person who wrote it was living my life or something, that's how much I related to it.
"Paint Brush

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do--that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes.
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paintbrush with me
Until I love me, too.

Bettie B. Youngs"
There it is, I just think that poem speaks volumes about me, my life, and my world. I'm not trying to be depressing and it seems it is going that way. Lets turn this blog post around shall we?
So, all my shows on TV are over until September..this sucks. I've been watching old TV shows on netflix for now. I am currently into Ghost Whisperer, and loving it. I've made it to season 2, and tonight Netflix had problems so that's why I'm writing this. I bought a CJ Wilson "Throw Strikes" bracelet tonight, the proceeds go to CJ Wilson's Childrens Charity...plus he is a Rangers pitcher and I love Rangers stuff :) Also, Vegas is coming up soon, it was just creeping up on me, but now its full on charging at me lol. I haven't gotten anything ready..the suitcase is out and the wedding clothes are packed..nothing else pass that has made its way to the suitcase. I need to get on that soon, but glad that Taylor's mom is going to come help my scatter brained self make sure I've gotten everything together that we should need. Well, seems I'm running out of stuff and its late and I'm sleepy.
So please, take the majority of this posting with a grain of salt. Think of it as me whining somewhere other than Twitter and Facebook, I just am starting to feel a wee bit better by getting this out in words.
Thanks for reading if you have made it this far,
Amanda Ellen

Very Happy! and Rockin out!

I'm a very happy girl today..I don't think I could've thought to ask for a better day. The only bad thing to happen today was my alarm clock's batteries dieing right before I needed to get up! Thank goodness for being paranoid about over sleeping or I just might have! Today I finished that pesky Freshman Orientation class I had left over from last semester. That now leaves me with just Business Law left from last semester and of course the remaining classes I have this semester. Getting really excited for graduation! Not sure if I am more excited about graduating or just getting to see my parents, that definately has to be a toss up. But everything today was great! It all went much better than a normal day at school usually goes! Can I just say I love the Genius feature in iTunes? I told it to make me a play list from "Walk This Way" from Aerosmith and so far its been a pretty awesome playlist! Ok, back on track! I am having a really big fear that I don't think I've ever had before and not sure why I'm having it now. I really really really want to get my hair colored and trimmed. Well its much cheaper to do this by going to Cosmetology at the school and letting them do it. Problem? Problem is that I'm scared to death to let them touch my hair...and I have no frickin clue what color I want to color it! I know I don't want just highlights...but past that no clue! In case you wanted to know I have really dark almost black hair..with a slight hidden red tint. Yep, so its about to be summer and I want something different. It also has been almost a year since the last time my hair had anything done to it. Well that is if you don't count the haircut the surgeon gave me back in October, which I'm still trying to grow back to a normal length. I started my application for the new school today, now all thats left is to bite the bullet and shell the 30 or so bucks to turn it in. It could take a while for them to accept me! I'm really nervous about next semester since its all going to be from home no going to school...I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to go a bit stir crazy! Ah, but that should just motivate me to find a route out around the house Leah and I can walk together, one where I feel comfortable that we aren't going to be kidnapped or run over! I really wanted to blog and started and realized I don't have much to talk about hehehehe.
I'm really excited for Vegas, I really hope its awesome! Oh, there is a big lottery tonight...payments were 312 Million and Cash was 200 million..wonder if I won? If I did I will go insane and waste all that money by being locked up in a looney bin! Speaking of Looney bins, I'm really ready to finish watching "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" I have heard its not described. That makes me sad..but I'm going to read the book so maybe that will fill in some missing spots. We are watching in my 1960s class right now, realized I forgot to say that :) Elizabeth Taylor died this week, that was sad...I just watched Cleopatra not long before she passed on, and its long, not historically correct, but its not a bad movie. I give it 2 thumbs up. I probably would've enjoyed it more if I wasn't tired when I got about half way through the movie! Speaking of Vegas, here ya go:
Viva Las Vegas Baby
Watched Pretty Woman tonight, as always when she leaves and he doesn't go after her immediately I cry like a baby..I'm such a sap...I even cry when she says good bye to Kit...but I love the movie and it has to be my favorite of all time!
Pretty Woman walking down the street...
Love Julia Roberts here is where she goes shopping!
Stores aren't nice to people, they are nice to credit cards

What's your dream?
And one more for good measure:
The Pretty Woman Movie Trailer
Yep, thats my Pretty Woman kick...catch me later and I may be posting clips of the Wedding Singer! lol...
Well I'm tired and its getting late so enjoy and happy reading!

XOXO,
Amanda Ellen and Leah

Ding! Dong! The Wicked Witch is Dead!

This one could be a doozey, so pull up your favorite chair or couch and have a sit. While you are at it, grab yourself a drink and something to munch since Steve informed me that the blog has no food or drinks. HAHAHAHA
Well, the title is a bit expressive of how I feel. Just take dead out and turn it into gone and that is a good summary. I will start by saying I'm not admitting to anything here or saying I did anything, I'm just stating what has happened. So, the handler of Sausage Dog has made it up in her mind there is no possible way Guide Dog's could have known about her dog being so fat or having health problems unless I told them. Resulting from her thinking that she no longer talks to me. This explains the title. I'm kind of happy about this, because she wasn't exactly the greatest friend for me. She was full of constant drama, whining, bitching, and an all together bring you down kind of person. So, I feel lots better now that she is gone.
Here is a clip of the song:
Ding!Dong! The Wicked Witch is Dead!

To keep with this Wizard of OZ theme, Here is how I feel about the situation and
maybe I should have a heart?
I've been really busy with school that I haven't had much time to think about much, other than school. Calculus and Statistics are kicking my butt though. Well Calculus more than Statistics though. I'm really liking my 1960s literature class and Marketing is a bit redundant in some parts.Still trying to finish some of those classes left from last semester. I only have 2 left to finish now. I did finish my Wellness/Fitness class by completeing 3 miles in the allotted 1 hour time limit given to everyone. I was told that no matter what I finished I would still get full credit, that just fueled me to finish in time even more. Leah didn't like it much, but I was pumped after I finished and very proud of myself. So, I got an A for that class. I also ended up with a B in biology after everything was done. Business Law likes a quiz, a final, and a research paper. My freshman orientation class is just waiting on the teacher to tell me what is left to finish. I still can't believe that I'm graduating this May and its only the first step in a long journey lol.
Here is another song that reminds me of Calculus and Statistics:
Calculus and Statistics, YUCK!
In my spare time, which there seems to be little of, I've been watching American Idol. I know I crossed over to the dark side, but Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson's chemistry really makes it interesting for me. I've picked my favorite guy who auditioned in Austin. I love him while everyone I know hates him. Maybe you guys might like him.
Casey Abrams audition in Austin
He has that very bluesy/jazzy sound. Which deep down and in a place I'm not too scared to admit I have...I love this kind of music. I'm a sucker for something different I guess.
Here is one of my favorites of his. In this video, he is doing his solo performance in Hollywood during Hollywood week or as the judges called it "Hell Week" He is keeping the pretense of being different and plays an upright bass.
Casey's solo during Hollywood week
This one has to be my most favorite performance of his to date:
Not sure who originally does this song, but I love it
Sorry for the onslaught of links, but another few are coming :) This has to be one of my least favorite performances of his, even though I really like the song.
I Put a Spell on You
This is the most recent performance I could find, and he still gives me goosebumps with his voice.
Most recent performance and I just love it!
So this week is spring break, but not for me I'm spending it doing homework. Well Tuesday I'm going shopping with a couple of friends of mine, that ought to be fun :) Everyone needs a break from time to time right?
Gosh, May 5th I'll be done at this college and moving on to another one to finish my bachelors degree. But this summer I get to go to Vegas. That trip has me a bit nervous. I'm flying there by myself and may get there before Taylor and his friend get there. We are going to Vegas to be there for Taylor's best friends wedding. Taylor has been knighted best man. I am making sure someone gets me pictures since Taylor is supposed to wear a suit and this boy is the last person I would have ever thought to be seen in a suit. I think its going to be lots of fun if I can relax and not worry about the minor details. Thats alot of my problems, I over think stuff and over analyze it to death. Life would be so much better if I could just learn to turn my brain off and relax. So that is my goal for the Vegas trip, to relax.
I'm trying to talk my mom into taking me home after graduation, well back to their house, to have a graduation party. I'm sure they won't want to do it, but I really want a graduation party. You may ask why would I want a graduation party now?
Well the answer is simple, I didn't have a graduation party after my high school graduation. My party consisted of TV,my hospital cup full of ice water, my parents couch, and good strong pain meds. My high school graduation was 3 days after I had surgery the first time, the time they installed all this hardware. so, yeah I was just glad to make it through graduation without getting violently ill.
So, to make up for that I want to party this time, for this graduation. Its a bit much to ask for, but I really want it! To be able to celebrate my accomplishment with old friends and my family will be so awesome!
Well, hmm, I would also like to thank Steve for giving my blog back after he hijacked it.
Here is a little Public Service Announcement just for Steve:
Stop using the word"Tweeps" and "Tweople" those words just make you sound like a dork.
HAHAHA
No really, it is just that most people find them really annoying...and my PSA sucked....I guess I need some more marketing classes.

****Pay no attention to those people behind the curtain****
Well, everyone else has gone to bed so I guess its my turn.
I promise, I'll try to update more often and make time for this little place I call my internet home :)

Night everyone and sweet dreams!
XOXO
Amanda Ellen and Leah

This Is A Test, And A Hostage Situation

My name is Steve, and starting now, I am holding this blog hostage. Don't worry, I'm not violent. the last thing I want to do is hurt anybody. Ok so that's a bit of a lie. I'd actually like to hurt lots of people, but what's important is that I'm not going to. that is to say that I'm not going to so long as you all cooperate and let me do this the easy way.

Hmmm. I've never taken something hostage before, so I'm trying to remember what comes next. Do I fire warning shots into the air? I don't have a gun, so that could be a problem. Let's see if this works.

BANG! POP! BOOM!

Well, do you feel warned?

I feel like I'm messing up this entire thing. It strikes me that perhaps I shouldn't be threatening you all with ammo letter word sound thingies until *after* I've demanded stuff, so yeah, let's do that.

What I want is simple. I have no long list. I don't want cigarettes or pizza or beer or lottery tickets or whatever other stuff most of us hostage taking types ask for. I only want one thing, and it's not even a self serving one. What I want is to better the world through banishment of something truly horrible. What I want, and I know this may be tough for some of you, is for everyone in the world to renounce the use of the word tweeps. Jimminy Christmas in July, I hate that word! It makes you all sound like such fools, and in the case of some of the guilty I know that fools you are not.

And if it's not too much to ask, can we also knock off tweeple and all other variations? Yes, I think we can. Don't make me word shoot you again, because I will! Do you hear me? Well, do you? Why is nobody answering me!? Why!? Oh wait, it's because you're reading from far away. If you're not far away then you're in here, and I haven't seen you around. But...um...what was I saying again? Oh yeah. I have a keyboard and I know how to use it!

BANGBANGPOWPOWPOWBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

See? I mean business here! Stop with the tweep thing and nobody gets hurt. Really, that's all I ask.

Wait, I do ask for one more thing. Please FeedBurner, post this to Amanda's Twitter without incident. I'd like that very much. I'd like it almost as much as I'd like for Twitter to be tweep free.

I hope we don't have to have this talk again. This hostage thing gets old pretty fast, plus I'm getting hungry and I can't find any food in this blog. Perhaps I should have demanded some when I started, or maybe I should just go and hostage take a recipe site.

Spring Semester is looming

Well, my last semester of community college starts Monday. It is hard to believe I've spent the last 3 and half years here..but its all almost over...Its bitter sweet. I'm ready to move onto my bachelors, but I've made lots of friends and relationships at this college I don't want to see end.
I know Leah has many friends at the college who she will certainly miss.
But I think I might have over done the last semester...15 hours on top of 8 hours I didn't finish last semester?
So here's the course list:
Statistics
Calculus for Business and Economics
Special Topics Literature class over the 1960s
Marketing
Technical Writing
and then tack on the 2 biology papers to finish which one is done, so only one left, the freshman orientation class I didn't complete, business law I still have some quizzes and a research paper to write for, and my wellness fitness class...yep..I'm going to be a busy bee this semester.
The best thing?
My dad is going to be my escort at graduation since they won't let do some O&M a few days before...That is going to be awesome!
It is hard to believe that in May I'll be an official college graduate...
It makes me feel very accomplished :)

Thats it for now,
I have to research a paper over fetal stem cell research and why I think its ok.

Amanda Ellen and Leah The Princess"

What people are using to find me?

I've seen RO and VomitComet (Karen and Steve) do this, so I thought I would give it a shot.
I don't have much, but hey they look promising.
being blind
Wow, is there someone wanting to know what its like to be blind or do they know someone who is blind and wanting to sympathize? Being blind isn't that bad :) It can help you make some real cool friends :)


is gary allan dating anyone
Not sure, but if he isn't then send him my way...He can stand in line behind Josh Hamilton...Ah, God has truly blessed this world with those 2 handsome men :)


student killed in crash stephenville
OMG! I didn't hear about this one, but thats not far from here. I hope the family is ok for the situation.


was a real bad day for

Was a real bad for who? I've had bad days, but we all get through them. Want to hear about some bad days go to Karen and Steve's blog...those people are having bad days :)

Well I guess thats it...Wanted to do this to kill some time while I bake buttermilk pies :)

Bet you thought I was gone didn't you?

So, its been a while since I posted! I'm back but just for a minute. Christmas break is finally here and I have time to compplete a whole thought! I'm also procrastinating against packing since I really don't like it. :) Where am I going you may ask? Well, I'm taking a little vacation, going to see my parents in PA (I am not sure how to spell the whole word lol) I am making a long weekend leaving Friday and coming back on Tuesday. My mom and 2 of the ladies that works with her are taking me to NYC on Saturday for a fun filled day of shopping and sight seeing! We also get to spend the night in NYC and go look at everything all lit up! Times Square lit up for Christmas its going to be awesome! I'm just looking forward to a change of scenery, not having to worry about anything, and getting to see my parents. Oh, this will also be fun since its going to be the first big snow Leah and I have worked in before. Time to dig out the good ol' booties, and mom bought her a sweater. I'll have someone take pictures so I can try to get them up here at the very least I'll get them on my facebook. I'm really excited and trying to pack light so I can bring stuff back, but I'm just not sure how to do that lol. Well, thats about all for now, I want to leave you guys with a cute little poem for the holidays!

Its called:
A Guide Dog Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and the kennels were still,
with most dogs now asleep having eaten their fill.
The Labradors sprawled out, quite snug in their beds,
while visions of ANYTHING edible danced in their heads.
And the Goldens and Shepherds curled up on the floor,
some twitched in their sleep and some even did snore.
The dog food was stacked in the feed room with care,
in hopes that a trainer soon would be there.

On the window ledge, one of the kennel cats lay,
surveying the lawn at the end of this day.
Something was different, that little cat knew.
Tonight something would happen, it had to be true.
For that day as the workers had left to go home,
They'd wished Merry Christmas! before starting to roam.
The dogs had noticed it to during this past week's walks,
the trainers seemed just that much happier and eager to talk.
In the mall where they worked through the maze of people and stores,
there were decoration and music and distractions galore!
Most dogs pranced along without worry or fear,
but some balked at the man on the sleigh and those fake looking deer.
The cat was almost asleep too when he first heard the sound,
a whoosh through the air and a jingle around.
It reminded him of a dog's collar when the animal shook,
but this sound kept on growing. He'd better go look.
>From the ceiling there came a faint sort of thunk,
as the kennel cat climbed to the highest pile of junk.
Once before people had worked on the roof,
and come down through the trap door to a chorus of "Woooof!"
But the dogs still were quiet, all sleeping so sound,
as this man dressed in red made his way right on down.
He patted the cat as he climbed past his spot,
then made his way right to the trainers' coffee pot.
A shepherd sat up, not fully awake,
then a Golden followed her with a mighty loud shake.
That did it! All the dogs sprang to life with loud noise.
In spite of the din, the old man kept his poise.
He filled the pot full and it started to brew,
then he pulled up a chair and took in the view.
Dogs all around him, so carefully bred,
he knew well their jobs, the blind people they led.
Some had stopped barking and looked at him now,
while others delighted in their own deafening howl.
Laying a finger in front of his lips,
the jolly old man silenced the excitable yips.
"You all may not know me, but I'm Santa Claus,"
the old man smiled and took a short pause, While he filled up his mug with hot liquid and cream,
"I've always wanted to stop here. It's been one of my dreams."
The cat had climbed down and was exploring Santa's sack.
"Yes, little kitty, that's an empty pack."
Santa smiled as he drank and looked at those eyes,
deep brown ones and gold ones held wide in surprise.
Some of these dogs, he'd seen just last year,
in their puppy homes, cute and full of holiday cheer.
He'd seen the effects of a pup on the tree,
but now they were here at the school, just waiting to be.
"I didn't bring you presents or bones just to chew.
I'll tell you something better, what you are going to do."
"You all will work hard and the trainers will share,
both praise and correction, gentle and fair."
"You'll go lots of places and face big scary things.
You'll ride buses and subways and hear fire sirens ring."
"Cars will drive at you but you will stand strong,
not moving into danger, not moving toward wrong."
"And then just when you think that this trainer's the best,
the kindest, and funnest person, toss away all the rest,"
"That trainer will begin to ignore you and give you away,
handing your leash over despite your dismay."
"Now the person who pets you and feeds you will be
a blind person. That's a person who can't see."
" This man or this woman may see just a tad,
but their view's missing parts or the focus is bad."
"So you, well trained dogs, will act as their eyes.
You will work as a team and discover the size"
"Of this great world we live in, because you will go
a million new places with this person, you know."
Santa sipped at his coffee and looked over the brood,
knowing what he had to say next might sound kind of rude.
"Not all of you will make it and become canine guides.
Your time here isn't wasted though. You won't be cast aside."
"Some of you will be drug dogs and some will find bombs.
Some will become pets in a home with a dad and a mom."
"All these things are important. People wait on long lists,
to receive such good dogs as you, the school folks insist."
The last drop of coffee had gone into his cup
as Santa turned, smiling at each wide eyed pup.
"The best gift of all is to give something back.
That's why there's nothing for you all inside of my pack."
Draining his mug, Santa went to each pen,
and petted and scratched each dog again and again.
"Now next year and many more years after that,
you all will give gifts wherever you're at."
"You might lick a hand that's had a bad day,
Or notice a car and step out of the way."
"You might help catch a crook or discover some loot,
Or just bring some joy to a tired old man in a funny red suit."
"Your master will love you and treat you with care.
In return, your training and trust will always be there."
After the last dog had been petted and soothed,
Santa put away the coffee pot and made ready to move.
Up the ladder he rose to the door high above,
with a smile and a wave as he slipped on his gloves.
And all the dog ears were pricked as he disappeared out of sight.
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!"

(Author Unknown)


Have a Happy Holidays everyone,
Amanda Ellen and Leah