The word of the day is....

Well, the word of the day is unwanted. I am so frustrated. Sometimes I just wonder if its so bad that I have days that I just want to get out and run away...I not going into the details about everything because I am sure no one really wants to know all that. I just want him to want me more than he wants hiself if that makes sense. I hope it does because I am no in the mood for explaining. He makes me feel very unwanted, very stupid, stupid sometimes, but there are times that he makes me feel wonderful, the luckiest girl ever, like no one could ever love me as much as he does, and makes me feel like all in the world is right. I am just not sure what to think or what to do. I want to talk about it, but he won't listen or care. If he does listen he will just tell me I am being stupid and its my fault. Well I don't see him coming up with anything to make it any better or less boring...but its my fault. WTF? But really...times like these makes me wish I could see, so I could just hop in my car and go for a drive to clear my head...like I used to be able to do. Those drives always made me feel better...nothing but me, the road, my car, and the radio. I could cry or get pissed off and not have to worry about who was watching or listening. I could drive myself far enough away for enough time to make myself feel better, since no one else wants to help in that matter. So, really this my major upset with being blind. Its times like these I wish I could see and I get all depressed. I just guess I need to get stuff off my chest and no one wants to listen so I am just going to write it out and who ever wants to listen can, and if you don't well then don't. He just makes me feel like nothing I do can be good enough sometimes...but once again...I don't see him coming up with something new...So it can't be all my fault...Sometimes the backyard is just not enough space for me...sometimes I just would like to be able to take a walk or once again take a drive...this the most frustrating part. The other is him, and then the other is no one to listen to make me feel better. I know I am repeating myself and I am sorry for that...Its just that I am just frustrated and pissed off and lets not forget hurt. I feel so imperfect...well worse than that. I feel like damaged goods..so damaged that all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Amanda back together again. I can't cry, because I am so pissed off...and I know that crying would prob make me feel a bit better...Why can't life be like a book...You meet prince charming, fall in love, have 2.5 kids, and a dog and live happily ever after? Or is that just my life that can't be like a fairy tale? It seems there alot of people that are very happy all the time with their husbands and boyfriends...but guess thats not in the cards for me. Another word for the day is worthless, it just came to mind. I feel unwanted and worthless. Like I hold no value to anyone or anything. I really wonder how healthy this is for a persons self esteem...I really do. Not that there was much there to start with....So much to say, so much I won't say and why? Because he won't care. He only sometimes cares when I throw a fit, cry and bawl, and say I don't understand why we are both still here if I make him so unhappy. Then he might actually care. Then he might actually listen. Only then. I have a million and one things I should be doing right now, but who wants to do anything whenyou have no feeling of self worth...whats it going to matter if I do these things..is anyone really goin to care or will they be like eeverything else I do and go unnoticed. That is the story of my life, going unnoticed...unless someone wants someone they can emotionally or physically beat up on. I am just too soft.
But I guess I am done with this for now...I don't have anything else to say and its not helping any...

Thanks for the time,
Amanda

Remembering what I can...

Ok, so all this talk of going to class to get guide dogs on my guide dog list is making me remember when I went and got Leah. I remember dog day and how I didn't think it could have come soon enough. Then they wanted to kill us with suspense without telling us anything about the dogs we were getting before we got them. Then I asked "Can you at least tell us the name of our dog before we meet them?" and of course they talked it over and gave us not only the names, buut the sex and breed and color of our dogs. When I heard "Amanda, you will be receiving a yellow female lab named Leah" I couldn't believe it. It all seemed so real. Leah...it was a really normal name, not something really off the wall. I was happy, because that is everything I asked for. Then off to our rooms to wait to be called to the instructors office to meet our dogs or in my case Leah. I was so nervous. I new I had a little while to wait because I was so far down the hall. So I was calling everyone telling them I haven't gotten her yet but here is what I know. I swear I was pacing the floor and probably smoked a half a pack while waiting. Then someone came in and said "Amanda, are you ready to meet Ms. Leah?" I was so excited and was like "Ready as I am ever going to be." Then we walked down the hall way and I sat on the couch and was talking with the instructors all the time looking around for where this pup was that was going to be mine. Until finally they were like "Amanda, meet Leah." and they handed me her leash and I almost started crying right then and there. She was so pretty and she was very friendly. She came up to me butt waggling and nose working. She was very interested in me as a new person, but she was also still attached to the instructors. Finally as we talked about her parents, her birthday, and maybe her grandparents and other quirky things about her, she layed down at my feet and decided it was nap time. I was in love. I got back to my room and was calling everyone again telling them "I got Leah I got Leah. She is so beautiful! She is very friendly too!" then I went on to tell them all about her and gave them the descrip the instructors had given me. "She is about 22 inches tall, a very light yellow but not so much yellow. She has the biggest saddest brown eyes. Those big brown eyesare perfectly lined with black, making look like she has eyeliner on. She is very long and lean. Very athleticly built!" then once all the phone calls were said and done I spent my quality time with Leah. Not sure how to play with her since I had no real toys yet and wasn't sure what she liked, I just layed on the floor with her and cuddled. She was so cute throwing a paw up when I wrapped my arms around her. Then turning her head to me and trying to give me kisses like she was really happy she was mine. It almost made me cry again. Then I found the harness they had given me and just looked it over going "Wow I am going to be holding this harness for Leah to guide me around and through all kinds of stuff" Then I layed on my bed and just thought "This is amazing, never in a million years would I have thought I would be here in Boring, OR after flying here all by myslef blind..man this is awesome." Then I dirfted off to sleep for a quick nap while Leah napped on her matt in the floor.
This is my dog day story and it sticks with me. I love my little furball, she may not be perfect but she is mine. Really thats all I can ask for. Thats the story of my life, "They may not be perfect, but they're mine!"

Happy reading,
Amanda Ellen and Leah "My little Princess"

A corporate Scandal!

Well, I have been trying to keep myself busy with anything but homework the last few days. Now, I realize I maybe shouldn't have done that..those deadlines are looming and kind of scaring me. Oh, well...I started my first project today. Well at least researching it. I have to write a 2 page paper on a recent corporate scandal and point out what supervisory issues there were and how if they had done the managerial side of things right, there would have been no scandal. So I was really trying to think of something that everyone else wasn't going to write about. I feel for my teacher because I am sure she will have quite a few papers on the most recent Toyota scandal. sSo, I Googled "Coporrate Scandal" and Wikipedia came up with a link saying "A List of Coporate Scandals" and I thought OMG! This what I need. So I went looking through some of them and picked the first one. It is about HP and how they illegally obtained people's personal information backin 2006, which is apparently recent. I thought it was because they were still getting charges brought against them through Augus t of 2009. Anyways, I think I have bored you enough with my homework. I have been helping my blind friend clean up her house. She can't do it by herself because she is in kidney failure and is doing Dialysis 3 times a week and doesn't always feel 100%. So, I have just really been trying to be there for her when she needs someone. So, I helped her clean her bathroom on Thursday and rearrange a bedroom and clean it out on Friday. It feels good to help someone I care about. Not to mention Leah loves to play with Tessie. Tessie is Jessica's (my friend) dog from GDB. Tessie is a almost 5 year old yellow female lab. She is the second best friend of Leah's of course to Dutchess mom's weenie dog. lol. So they got to play together and Jessica's son Trenton loves to play with Leah because all though she is constantly sick with an ear infection she is usually up for playing. So Taylor got to babysit while Jessica and I moved stuff around. Well, it was nice to have the sightling around. The sightling is Jason Jessica's husband. He also made it easier to move alot of that heavier stuff since Jess couldn't pick up on it. Speaking on the topic of Leah. I took her back into the vet on Wednesday and it was another ear infection. So he put some more medicine in it and told us to come back in two more weeks. Well, I had him contact Guide Dogs for the Blind, the School that Leah came from, I wanted him to chat with Dr. Patty in the Oregon vet clinic to see what she thought we could about all these ear infections. Well the general concensus was a dog food swap. So, now we are trying Purina Pro Plan Salmon & Rice formula. If this doesn't work then we are going to have the full blown allergy test to find everything she is allergic to and most likely go to allergy shots. I really hope that doesn't happen. I feel so bad for my pup because she has good days and bad days with her ears and sometimes I feel like it just gets her down. Well, I think I've said enoough tonight. Sorry if I bored you.

Amanda Ellen and Leah "The Princess" who is having a semi-good day!

What a busy day!

Ok, so today was sort of busy! I had to go exchange a book at the college bookstore(I will go into that in a minute), then go to the bank, then off to walmart to get Taylor's valentines present, Which I hope he likes, then we went to Walgreens to try and find conversation hearts...You know those hearts I am sure you all ate when you were younger..the ones that had sayings on them and were really chalky. Well no such luck in finding them. All they have now a days are Sweethearts which are kind of the same but they taste like a sweet tart. Well, those just won't do Taylor doesn't like them lol. So then after that off to the vet to get Leah's ears checked again after the ear infection she had about a week and a half ago...Well we found out the ear infection was back! Yeah, so my vet wants to run a full allergy test that costs about $350 and I can't afford it. So I asked him to contact GDB and see if he could convince them to pay for it so we could her on the proper medicine to get rid of these ear infections once and for all. So he put more medicine in her ears and gave her another shot. Then told us to come back in two more weeks to check them again. Hopefully he will have contacted GDB by then. So thats alwayss nice to hear that my best girl isn't feeling good because of this crud in her ears. Then back home to visit with Taylor's grandparents for a bit. Then I tried to catch a nap but that didn't happen because then my grandmother called to tell me that she received the package of movies I had bought her for her birthday and to tell me how much she loved them! I felt really good knowing I found something she actually liked. She is really hard to shop for lol. Then I called mom to tell her about Leah's ear infections and how the vet wants to run the testing. He also told me that depending on how the test comes back we may have to progress to allergy shots! I really hope we don't have to go that route. Leah hates shots and giving her one every other day will really break my heart! But any who, then I decided to cook supper! We had hamburger helper the 4 cheese lasagna kind. I made it a bit different tonight because I used deer meat in stead of regular hamburger meat. Its ok, but we have lots of leftovers. Ok, so on to my bookstore story.
Ok, so we thought that something was kind of fishy when at the start of the semester I only needed one book for two of my classes. Well, we just figured that it was because it had the same instructor and the two classes were kind of related. Well, come to find out today one month into the semester that I had the wrong book! I had to buy the book to get an e-book that I could read on my own, but now I have the wrong e-book too! So I exchanged my wrong book for one of my ones I needed because my tutor/friend had the other one. So now I get to wait 2 more weeks to get two more e-books that I can read. Can anyone say homework pile up? lol...Its going to be a nightmare! Oh, well I just will do what I can in the mean time and not let my other classes get behind and possibly try to get ahead since I can't do anything with the two classes I currently have no books for. Its just been an eventful day. I am supposed to start tutoring tomorrow to finish my astronomy. I know I was supposed to start Tuesday, but my tutor canceled on me. So, I get to try and make it tomorrow. Then getting to spend time with my friend Jess and her hubby Jason and their darling little boy Trenton. He is a handfull..I might talk Jason in taking me back to walmart so I can get Trenton something for Valentines day..He's only almost 2 but kids love that kind of stuff. So I think I might get him that Longhorns sippy cup his momma has been wanting to get him and some candy. Kids love candy right? lol Oh, well...time to bring this busy day to a close and get ready for another one tomorrow! So here's goes nothing. I am going to bed!

Amanda Ellen & Leah my poor sick, pooped baby girl.

I know, I know..I missed you guys yesterday!

Ok,I know I didn't post yesterday and I am sort of sorry for that. But yesterday was awesome! Taylor decided to have an "us" day where we spent all day together and did nothing really. We watched movies andwatched the Pro Bowl and ate Frito Pie. He feel asleep towards the end of the game so I had to give him a nudge to get to bed around 11. Then for that little stinker to wake me up at 4 this morning! I was soo not happy. I didn't get back to sleep until like 7:30-8 this morning just to get up around 10:45...Oh well. I went to the doc today and had a mole removed off my back that he said looked infected..not sure how that happened but whatever. He also gave me some medicine to take to help me stay asleep instead of waking up every 20-30 mins every night. Going to give them a try to night and he told me to give them a bit and if they don't work...then I can move to "the Big Boy stuff" that just made me laugh soo hard. He says he doesn't want to jump straight to a habit forming drug just yet since I am only 22. I also told him how my mom has the same issue and he said it could be hereditary. I was like cool thanks mom for another problem. lol...So, I start tutoring/reading tomorrow with my new tutor/reader for the astronomy class I didn't finish last semester! Yay! NOT! I hate this class sooo bad...but really if I can just buckle down and finish it I can have that time to concentrate on other things going on with my school work. By The Way I should probably be doing homework now...but I am really just too tired *yawn* So I guess I will end it here maybe read some more on Supervision and get ready for bed.

Have a nice night!
Amanda Ellen

Whew What a day!

Ok, so I had to start reading all this management crap for two of my classes I am taking online. Man oh Man! I have no desire to be a manager after just one chapter..lol. I still have my supervision book to start and Moby Dick to start as well..and my brain is just too fried to even try right now. To add to it all, yesterday I was officially eligible for an upgrade on my AT&T pphone and not sure what route I want to go with this. My options as of right now are:
Upgrading my Mobile Speaks and getting either:
A HTC Pure or
a HP IPaq Glisten
or
I can get an IPhone and not upgrade my Mobile Speaks.
The Pure and upgrading my mobile speaks seems the cheapest way to go, but I have no clue what the new Mobile Speak is like. So to solve that issue my boyfriend is downloading the trial on his old HTC Fuze (Touch Pro on other carriers) to see if I can figure it out. He is kind of pressuring me into figuring out what I want to upgrade to, and I just have no frickin clue! The best way to go or so I tell him is to keep what I got..outdated as it is..its free right now. No matter what I upgrade to I am going to have to pay an extra $ 30 a month for data because I have to have a smart phone to run mobile speaks and the IPhone requires data anyways and its just no fun with out it. I am just lost and not sure which way I want to go. Either way I need to save some money if I am going the IPhone route because I can't afford it right now. I can afford the Pure and Mobile Speaks at one time, and I would have to buy one, one month and one the next month if I went with the HP IPaq Glisten. This is the curses of living with a tech geek. I know too much about whats out there and I actually care! I used to be fine with my old outdated stuff and now I want the newest and coolest thing on the block! Thats hard to live with when you don't have the money to get them! Back to my classes I have to find a corporate scandal thats pretty recent and talk about how if the management was different then maybe things wouldn't have been the way they are. I have to make that two pages! This is going to eat my lunch. Then for another class I have to interview two managers and write a two page paper on that. Then I forget what the project is for the third class...and those three projects are due on the same day!! Not to mention I have to read, read, and read some more because I have exams to do for those three classes that are all due on the same day as well!! I think I am just going to curl up and cry. But the bright side of all this is by the time this semester is over I will have my certificate in Business Management. Not sure what you do with that...but I will have it. Does that make me sound like the professional college student I am?
Oh, Joy! Sounds like Taylor has Mobile Speaks installed! So here I go to try and figure it out Wish me luck!

Amanda Ellen and Leah who doesn't care about phones or classes!

I guess sort of an introduction?

Well, Hello World!
I am Amanda, a 22 year old college student living somewhere close to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area of Texas. I live with my guide dog Leah and my boyfriend Taylor. I have been dating Taylor for 3 years this April 23! Some days I swear it feels more like 30. lol. So, Leah is a 3 year old yellow lab and is always full of energy, but can go to sleep at the drop of a hat. I wish I could sleep as sound as she does. It must be nice. I have the ultimate goal of becoming a tax accountant one day, but it seems like it is taking forever. I have to go all the way to a masters to be able to sit for the CPA exam and thats if I pass it the first around. Wow! Taylor is 22 years old as well. He is also blind, but he also is diabetic. His diabetes had nothing to do with his blindness though. So, since there isn't really a whole lot of public transportation in this town, Taylor's mom helps do most of what we need done as far as going places. So, thats really nice. I have friends that help too. So its really nice to have some support when its needed. I guess thats really it. If I think of something else I will come back and add it in. Hope you enjoy!

Amanda Ellen